Click.

I played the video and I heard your voice again. I wasn't excited...but I was bothered. I remembered the time when I told you your voice is nice. Well, it really is. You changed a lot now and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Can you say my name one more time? I don't know why I wanted to hear it again.. even if it's the last time. The way you say my name, every syllable of it, is different from the others. I missed that sweet voice you use all the time to call my name. And I fall for it every time.

Why can't I just totally forget the way you made me feel? It's been years. It feels like you're not real anymore. All those things that happened are locked inside my head. Can't you just leave forever and never appear in any way? Because every time I see you, I am forced to remember.

It was never the same. 

It was hard for me to look at somebody the same way I looked at him. I've been looking for that same feeling, the same chills that i felt before, but it's not there anymore. The feeling of nervousness when he's around or that moment when your heart stops when he's looking was never there in anyone else's presence. He owns those moments and I just can't do something about it.

I'm a cactus covered in thorns, or rather a rose full of spikes. The real me is hiding behind those sharp thorns, making sure that no one could hurt me again. Thorns which are meant to protect me pushed some people away. Thorns that are not supposed to make me defenseless made me vulnerable to feelings.. feelings that got hurt because of trying to break the spikes that covers my skin.

I'm not sure what to think of. My head is filled with uncertainty. You can make me laugh, you can touch my heart. But I am never sure if I'm ready to give it for real.

I thought it was over.

I tried to reply from his tweet saying he needed a push for his studies but some other girl replied first. So I deleted my tweet. Good thing I have fast hands. I checked his profile and saw a link that leads to his blog. Guess what I did, I read all of his posts. I don't know. I think I'm just curious on what's happening in his life for the past 3 years. I think I'm curious if he ever thought of me even once.

It's not a crime to hope. I was hoping that I would see my name on one of his posts. I was hoping that maybe he remembered something about me, how our conversations went before and how I was, but there's nothing but her name on it. Upon reading his posts, I knew more about him, that what he felt for her was real and sincere.

I envy her. She got the guy that first caught my eye, the guy that I wish to stay beside me. But their relationship is not perfect. They experienced ups and downs but at least when I got out of the picture, they were better. But why do I feel like I haven't crossed another road yet? I feel like sometimes, I'm still trapped in his shadows. I compare others with him knowing he's still better in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I'm not waiting for him, but every time I think of him, I still get the butterflies.