I thought it was over.
I tried to reply from his tweet saying he needed a push for his studies but some other girl replied first. So I deleted my tweet. Good thing I have fast hands. I checked his profile and saw a link that leads to his blog. Guess what I did, I read all of his posts. I don't know. I think I'm just curious on what's happening in his life for the past 3 years. I think I'm curious if he ever thought of me even once.
It's not a crime to hope. I was hoping that I would see my name on one of his posts. I was hoping that maybe he remembered something about me, how our conversations went before and how I was, but there's nothing but her name on it. Upon reading his posts, I knew more about him, that what he felt for her was real and sincere.
I envy her. She got the guy that first caught my eye, the guy that I wish to stay beside me. But their relationship is not perfect. They experienced ups and downs but at least when I got out of the picture, they were better. But why do I feel like I haven't crossed another road yet? I feel like sometimes, I'm still trapped in his shadows. I compare others with him knowing he's still better in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, I'm not waiting for him, but every time I think of him, I still get the butterflies.
Is this the punishment for all the wrong things I've done? I feel empty and distant. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for not caring.
I never thought I have already hurt a few people in my life. Some of them became my close friends, but they all disappeared after the rejections. I remembered all these when I saw the profile of some friend back in high school. Yes, we were 'kinda' close. Well in non-verbal aspects probably. I just remembered that he used to like me back then. He looks different before. But now I see he has changed. He looks happier..and better. Well, everyone do actually... after I disappeared from their lives.
Well if you really think about it, they all have better lives after leaving the thoughts of me behind. A few of them found new girls.. Oh wait, all of them. And I was left with no one, not even a close 'guy' friend to confide with. Why can't they understand that what I needed most is a friend... and not what they are looking for. So they all left me at some point in time with a broken heart.. And now here I am, guilty of my acts.
Can you blame me now if I don't trust them? I used to be so naive, so kind and understanding but I don't think I am anymore. I'm not a retail object that you can just save for later or choose from if you want to buy or not. I'm not a movie or a kind of food that you would like to compare with others. I'm a girl and what I need is sincerity, not false intentions. What's the point of understanding if they don't approach you physically? What's the point of liking or loving when you can't tell what's real from what's not anymore?
10-8-2009
